Don't judge. I started my morning licking my phone. Well, that's not entirely true. I licked my phone after a series of events that led to me having no other recourse than to lick my phone.
It rained last night and with it was a rumble of thunder. Of course, I had a sentimental moment remembering McGee. God love him, that dog hated thunder, and I considered relocating his ashes to the bathroom. Pair that with going through old drafts about my dogs to submit to AdVantage News, and I am surrounded by dead dogs. Long story short, I had disturbing dreams all night, and Guinness, my old-lady hound dog with bladder issues, was up ringing the bell all night long. Lack of sleep leads to lack of coordination and excessive drinking of coffee.
Fortunately, the day was an Academy day, and I didn't have responsibilities until 8.30. Yay! I took full advantage of this gift of time and took Atticus to McDonald's for our breakfast treat. This is where the fun began. I love hot coffee. I really love hot coffee. McDonald's has good coffee, and it's really hot. In the parking lot of his school, Atticus and I have our little picnic. I decide to put the fresh, hot coffee in my insulated cup so it retains its hot coffee goodness. Did I mention how hot is was? Right, it was filled to the brim with hot coffee, and it spilled in my cup holder, on my hand, on my leg... In a fit of "I don't want a messy Jeep,” I jump out of my vehicle to stop the carnage. I’d love to allow you to believe it was a graceful jump like a horse clearing an obstacle in competition, but we’ve only just met, and I can’t lie. My “jump” was more like a stumble-over-the-door frame-and-spill-more-coffee-on-my-leg-and-sidewalk tumble. Grace personified.
Now seems like a good time to explain why I had such an episode over a little spill. I gave up having a clean vehicle after driving my wonderful little mess on two legs back and forth to the sitter and to swim. There were so many crumbs and particles, I’m not sure CSI Miami could make heads or tails out of the residue. I have a friend who, when I take the Jeep in for repairs, gets it so clean, I nearly weep with joy. After the last repair and cleaning, I vowed to never allow Pigpen near it again. Because it is illegal and rather like Mommy Dearest to strap your 4-year-old to the luggage rack, I acquiesced to his request and allowed him back in. Next thing I know, I am the one making a complete disaster of my once-clean chariot.
Atticus, in reaction to my supreme calmness, drops his sausage McMuffin and apple juice on the floor of my Jeep. He is yelling, “Mommy, are you OK?” I snap back, “Yup, I’m great. Just great.” As I'm on the sidewalk swapping the cups of gloriousness, Atticus' teachers walk by and become very concerned about my safety or sanity. Again with my calmness, I say with wild eyes, shaking hands, and clenched teeth, "Oh, I'm fine! Just FINE. A little accident, but we’re fine!" I'm almost certain the Department of Children and Family Services will pay a visit to my home. Eventually, I got myself together to get Atticus finished with his breakfast and into the building. Once in the building, I pitch the mountain of tissues and wipes I used to soak up the river of hot coffee goodness, kiss my little boy good-bye, and head out.
When I got back to my Jeep, I noticed apple juice on my phone, and since I used all of my tissues to mop up the coffee, I licked my phone.*
* Before you send me articles about the bacteria on a cellphone, know that I wipe it down with disinfecting wipes a couple of times a day.