You know how the government is forever making promises they can’t keep? Like how much aircraft carriers are going to cost, what a great deal they’ll be getting on the latest joint strike jet fighter or how easy it will be to fund Medicare and Social Security?
Well, the latest victims of the government’s long list of broken promises are a bunch of chimpanzees, of all things. Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
And these aren’t just any chimps. These are honest to goodness, guaranteed 100 percent certified laboratory chimpanzees. They’ve been spending their whole lives getting injected with nasty viruses, being infected with every disease known to man (and ape) and other such medical experimentation like MTV.
To the chimps this was all part of a deal the government made with them. The understanding was that the monkeys would allow themselves to be treated as pincushions, all in the name of science, as long as they were guaranteed a sweet retirement in a jungle heaven somewhere. Only the government is not following through on its promise. So how did the government decide to make a monkey out of a bunch of chimps?
It all comes down to funding. It seems that they severely underestimated (surprise!) how much it would cost to house, clothe (well, maybe not clothe), feed and take care of these creatures.
As a result, the primates’ golden years have been delayed until the government can come up with the money to fund their retirement homes. So they have basically only a few choices (none of them good, by the way): stay on as a laboratory animal, get a job with an organ grinder or see if a circus or a zoo will take them.
One suggestion put forth is to simply raise the amount chimps put into retirement from 1 to 2 bunches of bananas a month. In other words, the government wants to do what it does whenever it gets itself into one of these messes and throw the burden of the cost onto the taxpayer.
So they’ll stay where they are until the government can sort out the money issue. Which gives me an idea. Why can’t they find these monkeys a job in a local bank? With all the experience they have living in trees, they could be branch managers.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Sarah Fields. She correctly guessed that “G. D. = the S. D. of F.” was “Groundhog’s Day is the Second Day of February.” The word “Groundhog” was listed in last week’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “6 M. = H. a Y.” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, submit your answer at AdVantageNews.com, under the Contests tab, click “Off the Top of My Head Answer” or call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 before noon on Tuesday.
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