Looking for a job?
If you’re unemployed and don’t mind being on national TV once a day, you might consider applying for a job at NBC. I have a feeling there is an opening coming up. You have to be able to read from a teleprompter, be attractive-looking and have good hair. Oh, and you can’t be a pathological liar.
Upon further review, the revered nightly anchor for the National Broadcasting Co., Brian Williams, is a phony. It seems that many (if not all) of his fantastic stories of being a first-hand witness to historical events was a figment of an overactive and egotistical imagination.
The fall of the Berlin Wall? He wasn’t there. He was standing near a wall, but it wasn’t in Berlin. His helicopter getting hit by fire in Iraq? He actually nervously dropped a cigarette butt while wetting his pants as the helicopter left the ground. The gangs overrunning his New Orleans hotel during Hurricane Katrina? He was drinking heavily and after watching reruns of “Colors” and “The Warriors” mistook overzealous parking valets for Crips and Bloods.
Not to worry. It’s not as if he’s going to be out of work for long. The producers of “Myth Busters” have made him an offer to feature all of his evening newscasts and debunk them one by one. Apparently there are years of material there to keep the series running until 2028.
And that’s not all. Reportedly a new musical, “Pinocchio,” is set to open on Broadway next year and Brian Williams is the odds-on favorite to snag the leading role. He supposedly at first refused the offer, insisting he doesn’t have any acting experience. The producers of the show said it would be alright and to just “be yourself” and “act natural.”
Rumors also have it that television executives are considering reviving the old “To Tell the Truth” game show, but have already ruled out Mr. Williams as a host for obvious reasons.
Investigators are looking into some of his other claims such as witnessing the fall of Rome, interviewing Hitler after his suicide and conducting the first live interview with an astronaut on the surface of the Sun. His recent claim of holding the track records for the mile, half and full marathons are under investigation too, as is his encounter with a 12-foot-tall talking chicken.
NBC has given him a six-month leave of absence and will decide his fate after that time. Reporters asked him what his future holds for him and he replied, “Honestly, I can’t tell you.” Boy, isn’t that the truth!
Until that time, I guess Brian will just take it day to day. He said he would probably treat that time as a vacation and spend most of that time lying around. Just as he did for NBC.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Nicole Matis. She correctly guessed that “6 M. = H. a Y.” was “6 Months = Half a Year.” The word “year” was listed in last week’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “O. = the L. N. (T. Y. E. D.)” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, submit your answer at AdVantageNews.com, under the Contests tab, click “Off the Top of My Head Answer” or call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 before noon on Tuesday.
Winners may choose a free lube and oil change from Drake Tire, a $26 value or a $20 gift certificate to Tony’s Restaurant in downtown Alton, Gentelin’s or Jimmy the Greek’s on Broadway in Alton.
Winners will be notified by telephone on Tuesday and must pick up their prize at AdVantage News before 4 p.m.
Also don’t forget that I am available for public speaking engagements!
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