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The Italians’ ship has finally come in! Only not in the way they had hoped. That is to say, in the pejorative sense. I am, of course, speaking of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, which capsized some two years ago, taking down with it more than 30 passengers and the reputation of the captain.
After more than two years of lying on its side off the coast of Italy’s Giglio Island, the Italians have finally gotten off their hind ends and are trying to refloat it and tow it into port, where it can be properly scrapped. What an eyesore that must have been! That ship is so big it will probably single-handedly send the price of scrap iron tumbling in Europe.
Imagine having your very own Pearl Harbor disaster look-alike in miniature. A big sea-going vessel lying on its side rusting away while divers try to find bodies still concealed below deck. All of this aside a picturesque vacation hotspot. The billionaires must have been furious!
Some Italians think the ship shouldn’t be broken up into little pieces because it would remind them too much of what the Costa Rican soccer team did to their beloved Italian team. They dismantled them.
So what took them so long to get around to it? I think the Italians really wanted to take care of it earlier, but you see the World Cup soccer championship was coming up and they were busy following the Italian team as they were fantasizing about another World Championship. Funny how it turned out to be just that. A fantasy.
After an embarrassing third-place finish behind such puny powerhouses as Costa Rica and Uruguay, they wanted to put those memories far behind themselves as quickly as possible. They needed some kind of a victory fast, so they threw all their weight behind raising the sunken ship, which was lying in the water as listless as their soccer team was.
As soon as they get the ship floated, they will tow it back (slowly) to Genoa, which is famous for its salami and bologna. Incidentally, the ship’s captain was known to like bologna very much. After listening to his version of the accident, you know he must have been very full of it.
The ship has been lying in the seawater for so long salvagers were worried its metal hull would break when they tried to right it because it was so rotten — like its former captain, who is on trial for manslaughter, abandoning ship before the passengers, cutting in line for the lifeboats and lastly just for being a knuckleheaded moron.
If you recall, he was the first one to jump ship that night. He claimed he was leading by example and that his efforts probably saved countless lives. This as several angry passengers stormed into the lifeboat after him to beat him to a pulp. He’s so low he probably cheats at bocce ball.
Now that they’ve righted this ship, let’s see if the Italian soccer team can right theirs before the next World Cup and, unlike the Costa Concordia, avoid that sinking feeling.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Ben Bomkamp. He correctly guessed that “D = the F. L. in the A.” was “D = the Fourth Letter of the Alphabet.” The word “fourth” was listed in last week’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “S. = the B.P. of a S.” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 or click here to submit your answer online before noon on Tuesday.
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