News flash from New Mexico: Billy the Kid to be declared dead. Oh thank goodness!
Not to worry folks. The famous 19th century outlaw is soon to be declared officially dead. This follows right on the heels of disco, bell-bottom pants and beehive hairdos, which although not nearly as old, were declared dead a long time ago, too.
With typical blazing fast government efficiency, the folks in New Mexico are going to officially issue a death certificate so we can finally all move on with our lives. Those still obsessed with his possible existence probably need to get a life before moving on with it. Reportedly the only ones still fighting this effort are conspiracy theorists and the insurance company still on the hook for his life insurance policy.
An investigator into his death is convinced that the evidence of so many people witnessing his death together with so many subsequently making a positive identification of the body are too strong to dismiss. I think the simple fact that he would be pushing 156 years old were he still alive would be refutable evidence enough, but what do I know?
As soon as they can resolve this case, investigators are going to turn to more urgent cases like issuing death certificates for Julius Caesar and Moses.
Officials also admit that the likelihood of the Kid’s still being alive is next to nil, since he would have undoubtedly surfaced on a reality television show by now, probably declaring he was undergoing a gender change.
Billy the Kid, born William McCarty, was a famous outlaw in the American West well before the Mexican drug cartels got involved. He reportedly remained single his entire life, so he never fulfilled his dream of being an outlaw and an in-law at the same time.
He was your typical outlaw engaging in cattle rustling, horse stealing, illegal gambling and cheating on his taxes. His mother always insisted he was a “good boy.” See? Some things never change, do they? He once aspired to be governor, but was told he wasn’t crooked enough for the job.
He eventually met his end being shot by a sheriff in the dark for not paying his electric bill. Which just goes to show you that energy companies have all the power.
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