Ratings must be at historic lows on the Discovery Channel these days. How do I know this? Because they seem extremely desperate. So desperate, in fact, that they are taking the idea of reality television a step further.
For his next trick, a self-proclaimed animal lover will attempt to show viewers just how much he loves animals by letting himself be eaten by a man-eating snake called an anaconda. No, I didn’t say the episode would be about a man eating a snake; I said a man-eating snake eating a man. Now who’d be dumb enough to swallow that one? Well, the snake, apparently, for one.
This is not a cheap illusionist’s trick in the vein of Penn and Teller, either. The man will let the snake devour him, provided he can coax the snake into swallowing his story about wanting to be eaten in the first place. He must be a first-rate snake charmer. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t set foot inside a snake’s mouth, but here’s a man willing to put his entire body in one. I’ve heard of letting your work consume you, but this is ridiculous.
Now what would possess a man to want to do this besides low self-esteem and badly being in need of attention? I mean, wouldn’t you rather go over Niagara Falls in a barrel than let a serpent gobble you up on national TV?
Not to worry. The folks at the Discovery Channel are taking all the necessary precautions like making sure veterinarians, psychologists, lawyers and animal rights activists are all on hand along with a giant bottle of Tums (for the snake).
And apparently the dinner subject is taking all the usual necessary precautions, like being outfitted with a custom-built snake belly-proof suit. It’s to ensure that even if the snake is dumb enough to fall for this trick, the man will survive his digestive ordeal and live to tell about it.
Herpetologists claim that even if the snake manages to finish the man, the only way he could get back out alive would be to have someone cut the snake open or have the snake vomit the man up. Either way, the snake is in for a big bellyache.
Supposedly the entire stunt already has been filmed and is in the editing room waiting to be hyped before airing. I guess the man survived, but I’m not so sure about the snake. Sources close to Discovery (and the snake) claim that after the stunt had been completed and the anaconda had been told of the deception, a seemingly annoyed snake was heard hissing, “Well, he’s got to sleep sometime, eh?” He also reportedly claimed the man tasted like chicken.
And lastly, you’re probably thinking for a snake to have swallowed an entire human being, it would have to be pretty large. And it was. The anaconda reportedly measured 240 inches long. And as everybody knows, snakes are always measured in inches, because they don’t have any feet.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, David Wilhite. He correctly guessed that “W = in a N.?” was “What is in a Name?” The word “name” was listed in last week’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “5 = T. on a F.” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, submit your answer at AdVantageNews.com, under the Contests tab, click “Off the Top of My Head Answer” or call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 before noon on Tuesday.
Winners may choose a free lube and oil change from Drake Tire, a $26 value, or a $20 gift certificate to Tony’s Restaurant in downtown Alton, Gentelin’s or Jimmy the Greek’s on Broadway in Alton.
Winners will be notified by telephone on Tuesday and must pick up their prize at AdVantage News before 4 p.m.
Also don’t forget that I am available for public speaking engagements!
Any comments and suggestions, helpful or unhelpful, may be sent to email@example.com.