Bigfoot is in the news again. That’s a welcome relief from Russian saber-rattling, the immigration debate and global warming. So what’s so newsworthy about a creature everybody seems to have been able to film from every angle imaginable but never capture?
Well, evidently some kooky nature enthusiast with an extraordinarily large amount of extra time on his hands thought it was necessary to try and place it on the endangered species list. He will be listed just above the bogeyman, unicorns and the Easter Bunny. So why is there such a movement afoot for Bigfoot?
Shockingly, some states seem to offer no protection for the furry guy. For example, the state of Texas has officially determined that if you spot Bigfoot on your property, you are free to blast him. Especially if you find him going through your garbage cans, pooping on your front lawn or stealing your Internet. If you were thinking about ways to prank someone by dressing up in a hairy monster suit, I’d think twice about it.
However, California specifically forbids bagging any such creature, so if you were a pathological practical joker, I’d take your show on the road over there. But stay away from rummaging around in people’s recycle bins. You might accidentally mix up the carefully sorted out materials of a tree-hugging Californian. And let’s just say you’d be better off in Texas if you incur their wrath.
One person in particular swears up and down to have spotted the hairy creature. He was in the backwoods near a hallucinogenic mushroom patch. The man had just finished snacking on a few ‘shrooms when he said Bigfoot jumped out of the forest, grabbed a few mushrooms for himself and scampered back into the forest. Honest.
According to these eyewitnesses, Bigfoot is commonly reported to have a strong, unpleasant smell. Well, that explains everything. If you had to spend the entire day in one of those costumes hoaxing people, you’d smell too.
His cousin, the Abominable Snowman, couldn’t be reached for comment and probably won’t be until they can prove his existence either. I think they might sometime soon, but just not Yeti.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Jim Sheahan. He correctly guessed that “24 = C. in a C.” was “24 = Cans in a Case”. The word “cans” was listed in last week’s column.
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