Election Day was this week and I was all excited to exercise my constitutionally guaranteed right to vote our country into another mess for the next two years. Voting at least means I can take ownership of the mess.
I had my work cut out for me. You see, I have a hard enough time remembering where I parked at the grocery store, let alone finding where the polling station is every two years.
After calling all my new neighbors and getting lots of answering machine messages, I decided to strike out on my own. It was early afternoon and I had until 7 o’clock, so there seemed to be lots of time left.
I stopped at the first tavern I passed to find a sample ballot, sample a beer and examine the serious issues facing our community. Only then could I determine which candidates were best for the job. For me that usually amounts to deciding which names sound catchy enough to garner my vote. Pictures would help, too, but they aren’t allowed on the ballot. At least not yet, anyway.
I couldn’t possibly be expected to actually know any of the people (much less their qualifications) for the multitude of offices and posts up for election, so I tried to conjure up a face with the name I read on the ballot.
If the image their name presented to me looked favorable, they got my vote. If not, I passed them over for some more mellifluous-sounding one. If none of the names sound good enough to me, I rely on a tiebreaker method.
That involves trying to recall which candidate had the most campaign signs on the street. The more often I saw the name, the more likely I was to vote for them. I figure if the other candidates didn’t have a lot of campaigns signs out, they weren’t trying hard enough.
Having settled on a list of names that sounded appealing, I departed the saloon and set out to find the polling place.
After half a tank of gas and many red lights, my patience was almost at an end. I decided to seek comfort at a local church because that is where lost souls usually end up, anyway.
Imagine my surprise when I pulled into the parking lot of the church to find that it was doubling as my polling place. The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. With the way I vote, heaven help us.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Peggy Calvin. She correctly guessed that “Day = the Opposite of Night” was “D. = the O. of N.” The word “night” was listed in last week’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “W. = in a N.?” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, submit your answer at AdVantageNews.com, under the Contests tab, click “Off the Top of My Head Answer” or call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 before noon on Tuesday.
Winners may choose a free lube and oil change from Drake Tire, a $26 value, or a $20 gift certificate to Tony’s Restaurant in downtown Alton, Gentelin’s or Jimmy the Greek’s on Broadway in Alton.
Winners will be notified by telephone on Tuesday and must pick up their prize at AdVantage News before 4 p.m.
Also don’t forget that I am available for public speaking engagements!
Any comments and suggestions, helpful or unhelpful, may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.