You know what’s not so secret about the Secret Service? The lousy job they’ve been doing lately. And this is the organization in charge of protecting the most powerful man in the world
next to quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. On Sundays anyway. Only they seem to be getting protected better.
The latest gaffe occurred just recently when a man managed to scale the White House fence, run across the lawn, open the front door (which was inexplicably unlocked), slide across the entrance hall and into the East Room, where he was finally tackled by Secret Service agents after running for close to 100 yards and a first down. I guess you could say the Secret Service fumbled th
The suspect was immediately apprehended, handcuffed, read his rights and soon afterward signed to a one-year contract to the Washington Redskins, whose running game is badly in need of a boost.
So how did the intruder manage to get so far in supposedly the most heavily guarded house in the world next to Oprah Winfrey’s mansion? Well, it seems the ushers working at the White House didn’t want to be bothered by the annoying sound the alarm makes because these particular alarms were, well, noisy. Just as alarms are supposed to be, by the way. That’s why they call them alarms.
So they had them disconnected. Which is to say, they rendered them completely useless and quite harmless. It might be a good idea to check out the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. Since they can be annoying, too, I have a funny feeling the batteries might be missing.
The way the alarm works is this. If an intruder is spotted, they are supposed to hit a big red button to alert the Secret Service agents to quit playing cards, cash in their chips and immediately head to the agent who hit the button to inquire why he spoiled their card game.
Not only did all these measures fail, but also there were supposed to be agents on guard outside the White House in street clothes rummaging through trashcans disguised as homeless people to look for fence jumpers. Not only did they not spot the jumper, the crew on the lawn failed to release an attack dog as a second line of defense.
Reportedly the White House will be releasing its own attack dog, otherwise known as a special investigator, to help bring this ineptitude to heel. However, the plainclothes agents did make around $20 collecting aluminum cans that day, so I guess it wasn’t a total loss.
Maybe they should look at hiring NFL offensive linemen instead as bodyguards. Because the Secret Service’s performance has been up to this point, well, offensive. And that’s no secret.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Mike Siemer. He correctly guessed that “31 = D. in the M. of O.” was “31 = Days of the Month in October.” The word “days” was listed in last week’s column.
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