Notice to diesel Volkswagen owners around the United States; your cars stink. Well, maybe not the cars themselves. But the diesel exhaust certainly does.
So those environmentally conscious, green-technology, tree-hugging Europeans are actually a bunch of phonies who pollute more than we do? Who’d a’ thunk?
It seems Volkswagen (the company Hitler started) got caught cooking the computer codes in its popular-selling Volkswagen diesel cars. You see, it couldn’t possibly live up to the impractical stringent guidelines for emissions imposed in this country, which are actually stricter than our European, recycling, bike-riding cousins. So they just did the next best thing they could and cheated. A lot.
And you know what? I don’t think anybody noticed. The tree huggers were smug in their own contentedness, thinking the air was much cleaner and all the while it was 40 times as dirty. Funny how the local air quality people with their sophisticated measuring sensor devices never picked up on that. Are they sure those things are even working right?
It took some university students slaving away on their PhD dissertations to figure it out. The software in the VW engine could sense when it was being subjected to an emissions test and would run cleaner. When the testing was complete, it could go back to belching out as much polluted air it wanted. The VW engine was just like a modern day cyber Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When the emissions test was running, it behaved like Dr. Jekyll. After the test was over, it became Mr. Hyde.
Anyway, the fallout has already started happening. One senior official has publicly stated that the company “totally screwed up.” I was wondering if they could elaborate on that.
And to be perfectly clear, this recall doesn’t involve all VW cars. Just the diesel ones. So we’re only talking about 11 million automobiles here.
And I am privately wondering how many other car manufacturers had the same idea and are waiting for their turn to go to the principal’s office. What do you think it’ll be? Have to stay after school or get swats? If you see a spike in auto executives leaping from tall buildings over the next few months, that might be an indication that Volkswagen wasn’t alone.
The U.S. government is foaming at the mouth at how much they are going to get to fine Volkswagen for this one and then divert the money to some other non-connected cause like studying the effects gambling has on monkeys or Swedish massages for rabbits. It could break a record and exceed the BP oil spill fine. Too bad the consumers (the ones really affected by this) won’t see a penny of it. They’ll have to be content with picking up the crumbs after the EPA is through slapping Volkswagen around.
The company, which once touted the famous “Fahrvergnügen” (pleasure of driving) campaign, may soon be changing it to Fahrfromsober after this scandal hits home. They may need lots of Bloody Marys to get by this one.
Looking back now, the signs were everywhere that something wasn’t right. Evidently the company had hired New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick and Tom Brady as consultants. OK, that explains a lot right there. If I were the EPA, I would start checking VWs for underinflated tires, too.
Congratulations to this week’s winner, Melissa Wyvell. She correctly guessed that “D. = the F. S. in the U” was “Delaware = the First State in the Union.” The word “state” was listed in last month’s column.
Here is next week’s puzzle: “8 = I. T. in the M.” As usual, at least one of the words is included somewhere in the column. If you think you know the answer, call the AdVantage News answer line at (888) 532-4441 or click here before noon Tuesday.